Nothing Normal Ever Happens On Rokkenjima
by RedSky18
Summary: AU where Natsuhi and Eva are a crime duo trying to infiltrate the Ushiromiya vault. Their rivals are Rosa and Kyrie. No one is straight.


It's late at night. Everyone is sleeping, even the seagulls. Only the light from the full moon shines down to reflect off the surface of the water as two people ride on a jet ski towards an island. This is their big chance to be able to live some of the good life. As they approach closer, the passenger asks in a small, doubtful voice,

"Eva-san… I still don't understand why we're sneaking in when you used to live here. …Why not just say we're visiting and then do what we need to in the night without having to sneak around as much?"

"HA! And where's the fun in that?" the one driving the vehicle laughs as they cut through the tides more, heading directly towards their destination. It's only after another moment when she adds, as a mere afterthought, "Besides, with our reputation I doubt Niisan would be very trusting of us."

And nothing else is said the rest of the way. When they pull up and park their sick ride by the dock, it is so dark that they fail to notice another, equally sick af jet ski parked nearby. As they pick up their guns, that Natsuhi may or may not have forgotten to check to see if they were actually loaded, they set out on their mission: Operation Infiltrate Gold Mine Ushiromiya Abode On Sweet Private Resort Island That Daddy Bought With Gold From a Witch Or Something Like That.

As they make their way up the stairs and prepare to make their next move, they are stopped in their tracks by a nearby explosion that comes out of nowhere. It only takes a few moments before they are met with two other figures coming down the stairs and all four of them stop and stare at each other before one of them speaks,

"Wh-! …What the hell are you two doing here?!" Eva sounds annoyed. But of course she does. After all, she already knows why they're here, in the dark of night too. One of them knows the place like the back of her hand just as she does.

"Ara, neesan. What a surprise running into you here." Rosa smiles, sarcasm clear in her voice. What a bitch. Rather than saying anything else, Kyrie decides to jump into the convo and answer what had been asked, raising a bag with a $ imprinted on it for emphasis,

"We're just doing our usual hobby and robbing the place. Was the explosion not enough of a hint?"

Fucking r00d.

"Might I ask why you two are here though?" Kyrie returns the Q, smiling calmly. It's clear she also knows why but wants to make it known how dame da zenzen dame da the question had sounded when it was asked the first time. AKA the question was stupid to ask in the first place and Kyrie wants that to be understood when Eva's the one receiving it. Eva realizes this and responds accordingly,

"We were just on our way to loot the place." She points her pistol ahead, ready to blow someone's face off, "Were the guns not hint enough?"

"Oh, I thought those were nerf toys and that you two just came here for a late night nerf war."

" _Oh, there's definitely about to be a war, you damn bitch!_ "

Eva pulls the trigger on her gun. No hesitation. She was really planning on shooting that chessboard flipping bitch in the face. However, there's only a *clicking* sound and no bullet meets face. Only silence reigns for a moment before she looks back at her ✌️ "partner in crime" ✌️

"な。。。なつひいいい (Translator's Note: "Na…Natsuhiiii")."

"I guess….It seems… that I may have forgotten to check if our guns were loaded…" Natsuhi admits to her fatal mistake weakly. In her defense, it's not like she'd ever make such a folly in canon.

"You were really going to shoot my gal pal?" Rosa looks at her sister with a "nani the fuck" expression painted on her face.

"uh. _yeah?_ " Eva shoots her own "nani the fuck" look back at her. Why the hell wouldn't she shoot? They all go through this same procedure every week.

"you know, maybe violence isn't the answer…" Natsuhi speaks but is ignored because the author is having writer's block even for something as dumb as this. So let's speed things up.

Kyrie laughs, looking towards Rosa "aw, my sweet cherry blossom dear cares about me so much. Kawaii desu."

Get that weeb shit out of here.

Rosa's heart goes _doki doki_ and she turns her face the opposite way, blushing and smiling,

"Oh, Kyrie, stahp."

"Ugh, can you _not?_ " Eva's face distorts in disgust on top of still being pissed off at the whole situation.

"Do I sense some jealousy? I know a thing or 2 about that. In fact, Envy is a good friend of mine."

"Why the _hell_ would I be jealous?"

"Well, because Rosa and I get along quite nicely, as you can see. We go on dates to coffee shops all the time with the money we steal before you even get there to attempt theft. You two, however," Kyrie gestured between Eva and Natsuhi, "always seem to be bickering and can never agree. No wonder you're almost never successful in your robberies. If you'd like, maybe one day when we're not competing in this field, you and I can get together and I can teach you some tips on-"

"I do not want to hear about your lesbian tendencies with my sister!"

Kyrie does nothing but smile and shrug, "Suit yourself. Have fun not being rich." She pulls out a hand grenade, ready to make their escape.

"Wait a minute!" Natsuhi stops her, "You two already have more than enough money from all your previous trips to places to rob. Why are you even here? You don't need anymore!"

""We like money.""

They answer in unison as Kyrie drops the grenade and they both ninja jump off the stairs into the darkness, putting on night vision goggles in the process cuz they can multi-task like that.

Eva and Natsuhi realizing they'll get fucking rekt if they don't move, like, _NOW_ , rush back down the stairs, empty handed. Oh well, like their motto: live to fail another day.

They just barely outrun the radius of the blast and struggle to find their way through the darkness, as they lost their not-before-mentioned flashlights. Eventually they find their way back to the dock but

hoe don't do it

see Kyrie jump on one jet ski and Rosa on the other

oh my god.

"HEY! Chotto matte!" That means "wait a minute" in japanese

"Tell Niisan I said hi! And I'll send you postcards when you're in jail!" Rosa rides away into the moonlight along with her "really good friend".

"….That jet ski was one of the only things we've ever successfully stolen…" Natsuhi mumbles to herself in disappointment. Eva on the other hand is freaking out,

"Holy shit, we've gotta find a way off this island before someone wakes up and calls the police! …I know! We can steal my brother's own private boat!"

"That was a nice jet ski…"

"Now isn't the time for materialistic desires!"

"I could hold onto you while we rode it…"

" _NOW ISN'T THE TIME FOR YOUR ROMANTIC FANTASIES!_ "

* * *

 **A.N.** This is from a while ago when someone on tumblr sent me the prompt in an ask and, i must say, it's my greatest work to this day. For full context on the "sweet cherry blossom dear" line go here post/166099249333/uchiha-steve-soyokaze-step-golden-witch on goldenlandfiascos on tumblr (or just find this fic on ao3 and click the link there cuz tbh that'll probs be easier fuck ff) because ff won't let me post it as a link within the story part like i did on ao3 & tumblr which ruins the ~ _aesthetic~_ but whatever


End file.
